Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul
by wolfypuppypiles
Summary: Philip tells Lukas about what he had to do to get money for him and his mum. Based on that interview where Tyler said he and the writers have largely confirmed this theory that Philip had to do things to look after himself and his mother. WARNING: this fic does allude to possibly underage non-con acts but does not give any details about them be careful if this is a trigger for you


Lukas was kneeling over him, kissing him hard as his hands slipped under Philip's shirt. He shivered a little at the contact and felt a warm flush creep up his cheeks.

He was doing fine until Lukas started going for his belt.

Images flickered across Philips vision, sharp in his mind; memories of hands, of unwanted touches.

"Stop. I changed my mind, I don't want to do this anymore."

Lukas drew back, confused, but saw Philip's hands shake as he re-buckled his belt. The blonde sat back and allowed Philip to scramble away to the edge of the bed where he curled over his knees, hunched and hidden.

Philip had said those words before, but they were always met with harsh retorts. "You want your addict mom to starve? Come on, don't pussy out now, I'm giving you generous pay here."

He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself, wanting to be as small as possible.

Lukas watched him carefully, not understanding what had shaken him so much. They'd been dating for a couple of months now and he'd always been fine making out.

"Okay. Do you wanna cuddle instead?" Lukas was a tactile comforter, he liked to hold Philip and reassure him with gentle touches and it usually helped to calm them both down.

Philip nodded and crawled over to him, bed rocking slightly from the movements, shoving his face into Lukas' neck as those familiar arms wrapped around him. He could feel his face wet with tears that he couldn't stop and he wanted to badly to hide this from Lukas but the blonde could feel him shaking against his chest.

"Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Philip didn't answer, just curled to Lukas tighter, hiding in his neck. Lukas was getting worried, rubbing his hand over Philips back in comfort as the other arm held him close.

"It's okay Philip, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. I'm not mad. Come on, talk to me. What's wrong?"

His voice was soft and low and those words, they were exactly what Philip needed to hear, what he'd been waiting to hear ever since he did those things. And hearing it just broke everything inside him he'd ever tried to shove down and forget.

He sobbed into Lukas' shoulder as all those memories and hurts were being released from where he'd locked them away.

"I-I can't-" He didn't know what to say. How could he even begin to explain?

Lukas kept rubbing his back, pressing kisses to his hair and mumbling reassurances into his skin.

"It's okay, everything's all right. Please just tell me what's wrong Philip. Let me help."

Philip sucked in a breath and squeezed Lukas tight, like it might be the last time he would ever be allowed to, and let everything out.

"No one's ever said that to me before. That I didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to. None of them did. I didn't want to do those things but Mom hadn't had anything for days and the withdrawals were making her sick. We d-didn't have any food and they paid so m-much money. I tried to get a job but I couldn't leave my mom at home by herself. I d-didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to think about me that way. Lukas I'm sorry."

It took a little while for Lukas to understand what Philip had just confessed, because it was too horrible to even suggest but then he finally understood. And his heart broke. The most beautiful person that he'd ever known was so, so broken inside. And he thought he had to carry it alone.

He pressed another kiss to Philips temple and rocked him a little in his arms. He was cradling Philip to him now, and he whispered every word with as much surety as he possessed.

"Philip, I am so, so sorry you had to do that. I can't even…But that's not who you are. You know what that makes me think about you?"

"Lukas, please don't..." _Don't say you hate me. Don't say you'll never touch me again._

"That you'd give everything for the people you love. Philip, you shouldn't have had to go through that. And you'll never have to again. Ever. You never have to do anything like that. If you never want me to touch you again than that's okay. I still love you more than anything. You are so, so strong but you don't have to be."

Philip sobbed harder, he felt like he couldn't breathe. No one had ever loved him this way, not even his mother though it hurt to admit it. Philip had felt those memories and all that guilt, every time he and Lukas had touched, or kissed and every time Lukas had said "I love you." And he had been so scared to tell him but here he was, showing Lukas every scar on his soul and Lukas had kissed every one of them and loved him anyway.

"What did I do to deserve you?"

Lukas knew this was a question that came from guilt and shame and he never wanted Philip to feel that way again.

"You deserve this. You deserve everything you've ever wanted."

Philip closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Lukas around him, his heart beating against his own chest, Lukas' hand in his hair and his lips on his temple, and he asked for the only thing that made his broken soul feel whole.

"I want you."

Lukas rocked them, smiling as they breathed against each other.

"You have me. Always."

Philip pulled himself from Lukas' hold, breath hiccupping out of him as he looked at those sad blue eyes.

"Lukas, they never… It wasn't all of me. I've never… I want you to do that. To have all of me."

Lukas brushed the tears from Philips cheek and cradled his face, pecking a kiss on his forehead.

"Okay. When you're ready, if that's in a year or never, you let me know. And I'll have all of you, and you can have all of me."

Philip nodded, a small smile gracing his lips before fresh tears fell and he curled back to his loves chest. Lukas lay them down, holding Philip against him on the bed.

"I love you Lukas."

Lukas smiled at the strength coming back to Philips voice and pressed his cheek to Philips hair.

"I love you too, Philip."


End file.
